Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Fwd: Ebola

'Dear Reader (including those of you under quarantine),


Well, this "news"letter usually begins one of two ways: serious or jocular. How about, just for a change of pace, we start off scary and see how that works out?


If I were in charge of overseas contingency operations at the Islamic State or al-Qaeda, I would send as many suicide-bomber types back to America (and France and Britain) with a new weapon: Ebola. Airport scanners don't pick it up. The incubation period is long enough to get the human biological weapons past screeners without detection. I'd tell them: Take as many connections as you can on the flight home. Help people with their luggage whenever possible. Leave a mess in the plane bathroom and a paper trail of your travels that will foment panic when ultimately revealed.


And, if you do get stopped by security officials en route, so be it. There's lots of gloveless manhandling of suspected jihadis, which brings ample opportunities to infect interrogators, guards, FBI agents, etc. And every one of those infected Americans or Westerners furthers the cause.


But assuming you make it to Cleveland or Spokane or Washington, D.C., the only order of the day is: Have fun for as long as you can and maybe share your spit, sweat, and other stuff in as many creative ways as you can. See a show. Go to a water park and just hang out in the lazy river all day. Eat at a nice restaurant, leave a messy napkin. Don't bother to wash your hands — and never flush (or if you do, make sure the toilet overflows!). Why, we'll even give you all the fatwas and cash you need to hit the strip clubs and see a hooker or two. It's all for the greater good. And when, alas, you start to feel really, really sick and you are at your most infectious, it'd be great if you could blow yourself up at a mall, or at least pass out at a McDonald's or maybe in the middle of the F-train. If you opt for blowing yourself up, great. If not, try to tell the EMS team that you have something other than Ebola. The aim here is to keep the responders from treating you and the scene as a biohazard for as long as possible. And if you blow yourself up, don't worry too much about killing a lot of bystanders, just make sure it's really messy and there's a lot of splatter.


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